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My Life: An Autobiography In The Works
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in K's LiveJournal:

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Monday, April 8th, 2013
11:41 pm
A Quote from the Premiere Episode of Mad Men last night... It felt VERY Familiar
"What are the events in life? Like, you see a door. The first time you come to it, you say, ‘Oh, what’s on the other side of the door?’ Then you open a few doors and then you say, ‘I think I want to go over a bridge this time. I’m tired of doors.’ Finally you go through one of these things, and you come out the other side, and you realize that’s all there are: doors! And windows and bridges and gates. And they all open the same way. And they all close behind you. Look, life is supposed to be a path, and you go along, and these things happen to you, and they’re supposed to change your direction, but it turns out that’s not true.  Turns out the experiences are nothing. They’re just pennies you pick up off the floor, stick in your pocket, and you’re just going in a straight line to you-know-where.”

Current Mood: blank
Friday, December 21st, 2012
1:08 am
One of the Kindest Things Ever Said To Me
That won't happen trust me! You are just impatient. You are smart,
gorgeous, and have a great heart! Also once they get to know you they
will probably be so happy with your freakability they will make sure you
are covered in whatever luxuries you want just to keep you happy! Don't
settle for listening to these freaks of nature with penises that
probably don't work as much as their letter writing skills!

You are too good for those punk asses who wouldn't know what to do with
you if they got you! I know this sounds cliche' but focus on you. Right
now it will happen when you least expect it! Then you can tell me all
about it. cause you tell a great story!

-James Monroe Iglehart, in response to my disagreeing that I should cancel being on online dating sites and telling him I thought not being on them meant I'd die alone
Sunday, October 14th, 2012
8:06 pm
Spent the morning in the ER after another sleepless night.  The ER doc was the same as Friday, which made things a bit easier.  He was able to cut into it this time and remove about 3 tablespoons of fluid.  he also inserted a drain so it will continue to do so.  kinda gross but the pain is now from the incision and such rather than from pressure, which gives me a bit more mobility.  I go to the surgeon tomorrow to find out whether I have to heal and be asymptomatic before the surgery or if they can do it now.  Doing so means approx. 8 days of healing time, so it'd be better to just be done with it now, especially since I have no job, but my body's also in need of a break, so I'm not sure how it'll go.

However, one of my oldest friends since childhood, Dan came over today.  I thought he was just coming to visit and play with the oh-so-neglected puppy (whom I've been unable to play with this week) but he showed up with grocery bags of healthy food and then drove me to the store to get medication and the supplies necessary for this draining process stuff.  It was such a sweet gesture, it'll keep me going for a while.  I've been so down lately due to the combo of pain/lack of sleep/no one around and this was such an unexpected lift.

Current Mood: grateful
Tuesday, July 17th, 2012
12:09 am
Year 7
The moment it hit midnight, I just started to cry. Still am. I've spent the past 6 years remembering and missing, but too sad by the loss of those who were still alive to grieve for his being truly gone. This is my first year with them in my life again. The ink in his honor is still so visible on my wrists and I am always grateful for that. More though, I am so in awe of my fridge full of crayoned drawings by Nicole's kids.

I can hardly believe that I get to have them in my life and that it was mere days ago when I was at his parents' house with them, Nicole, and her kids, eating pizza. I can't tell right now how many of these tears are due to the sadness of losing him and how many are out of gratitude for having them back. I just don't think I had it in me to miss them for another year.

Life ain't always beautiful, some days I miss your smile. I get tired of walkin' all these lonely miles.

Current Mood: nostalgic
Thursday, June 28th, 2012
9:02 pm
Just spent a couple of hours in old boxes... I picked things up from mom's yesterday, some of the boxes are full of things I haven't seen since I graduated high school over 11 years ago. I found photos of Nicole and me, of Jason, of so many of my favorite people. I cried a little but it wasn't so bad.

Then I opened the box full of notes from 10th grade. I read the things Matt wrote to me, the way he loved me so openly and so fully. I read the notes from Nick Evans as he took risks by telling me his feelings and asked me to be as truthful with him as he'd been with me. Notes from boys who wrote at the bottom, "don't show this to anybody" but who wrote the words and took that risk. I never did show them, they were too special to me to let anyone else into that little world where people loved me without expectation and without obligation. I didn't understand that then and, in some ways, I don't think I ever will. But I truly believe I am a better person now because they loved me then. It's so strange to believe that they're married now, as are everyone else who we wrote about in those notes. I haven't known those boys in so many years, I haven't a clue whether we'd even have anything to talk about if we met today. But some part of me is really sad; sad we didn't end up together, sad those times are gone, sad that those times were the last times anyone loved me that way.

There was just something so pure then, so willing to take risks and to be open to the possibilities.

My cousin Mikey is in the same military group as Matt. He told me about a month ago that Matt approached him and they made amends from the days when Mikey wanted to punch Matt for making me cry all those years ago. So much of me wishes I'd run into Matt. If I think about it though, I'm not sure I really want to. I think I want to run into the boy who wrote me those love letters or even the man he became, if that man were to look at me the way that boy used to. But most likely, he'd feel nothing when he saw me and it'd rebreak the heart of the 16 year old girl who still lives inside me.

Being here again, in this town, brings it all up, brings it all back. I'd left 11 years ago because I needed to flee. I didn't ever have the choice or the chance to spend time here and to revisit the feelings, to properly fold them and put them away in the hope chest of my mind. And now I'm here and it's this tidal wave of memories and their corresponding emotions. Tonight, I let them wash over me and I allowed myself to be surrounded by them. In some ways, I wish I could just let myself be taken out to sea by them, but I know that isn't real anymore. Sometimes though, every so often, I can't help but with it was.

Current Mood: nostalgic
Monday, June 11th, 2012
2:04 am
I miss him.
Just lain down to go to sleep and caught a glimpse of my Nikko blanket. Was suddenly hit with a wave of sadness, burst into tears, and got back up... sometimes it still knocks the wind out of me with just how much I miss my Nikko. Even typing this has me crying.

Current Mood: forever heart broken
Wednesday, May 18th, 2011
8:10 pm
A Thought...
For a bit now, I've been looking for strength. I've sought it in the arms of the friends around me, leaned on their shoulders, bent their ears. I've wondered whether I'd ever find it, if I'd ever feel less weak.

I wonder though, if it isn't too close to my face for me to see it clearly. Perhaps the real strength comes either from realizing I needed to seek, in trusting those dearest not to drop me, or in reaching a point in my life where I was able to make the request at all.

I don't know what makes a person strong or weak, what causes them to grow or to regress, what leads them to find happiness or to retreat into darker times. I don't claim to have such knowledge, in fact, I adamantly deny having anything remotely resembling an answer to these open-ended questions. However, I must admit that there is something wonderful about the juxtaposition between the weight of the world bearing down and the brawn of loved ones bridging the distance between what is and what will be.

Current Mood: contemplative
Tuesday, January 4th, 2011
4:36 pm
Rent Star Wilson Jermaine Heredia Will Join Broadway's La Cage aux Folles
Rent Star Wilson Jermaine Heredia Will Join Broadway's La Cage aux Folles

Tony Award-winning actor Wilson Jermaine Heredia, who made his Broadway debut as Angel in the groundbreaking musical Rent, will succeed two-time Tony Award nominee Robin de Jesús in the revival of La Cage aux Folles.

De Jesús, who earned his second Tony Award nomination for turning the role of inept housekeeper Jacob into a juicy urban firecracker, will play his final performance Feb. 13. The date will also be the last day for Tony winner Douglas Hodge and Kelsey Grammer. All three were Tony-nominated for their work; Hodge took home the Best Actor honor.

Heredia will begin performances Feb. 15, the same day the Broadway revival will welcome La Cage's original Tony-winning book writer Harvey Fierstein to the role of Albin and Jeffrey Tambor as Georges.

La Cage marks Heredia's first Broadway return since the 1996 Tony and Pulitzer Prize-winning musical Rent. He repeated his work as the drag queen-turned-guardian angel in the original London production of the Jonathan Larson musical and the 2005 film adaptation. His stage appearances also include Eli's Coming, The New Americans and The Tower.

La Cage aux Folles, about a gay couple who run a St. Tropez drag club, features music and lyrics by Jerry Herman and book by Fierstein, based on the play by Jean Poiret. This production is choreographed by Lynne Page and directed by Terry Johnson, who won a 2010 Tony Award for his direction. It won the 2010 Best Revival (Musical) Tony.


Current Mood: excited
Tuesday, November 2nd, 2010
12:03 pm
It's Almost Day 1
I hadn't really planned to voice my fears about starting this new job, I figured it would be another thing just put here in the journal... with the economy and with the schooling process, it seemed silly to talk about fearing work beginning considering that it was the next logical thing to happen and finding a job at all is so tough right now.

But last night I couldn't help myself. The Gorgeous Boy and I were on the phone and I told him about how I knew I wouldn't sleep so well tonight, that I was already beginning to worry about all I didn't know, about whether this is something I can do. He told me not to worry, that I should "just be your amazing self and it'll all be great. Because you -are- amazing." He said he'd check his schedule and see if he'd be able to come over tonight, to help me relax and get some sleep and to stop me from getting in my own head too much. I won't count on that since I know how his plans can change on a dime and I'd rather not end up disappointed, but knowing he wants to be here and hearing him call me amazing?! Worth its weight in diamonds.

Current Mood: nervous but loved
Wednesday, October 20th, 2010
7:19 pm
Spirit Day 2010
Spirit Day 10/20/10
by Kryss Shane on Wednesday, October 20, 2010 at 5:26pm

Today is Spirit Day, a day to wear purple in support of those in the LGBTQ community who are and who have been bullied for being who they are. Purple was chosen because, in the Pride flag, purple represents spirit.

As a female who was born heterosexual and in a body that matches her gender orientation, people often ask me why I care so much. "It doesn't make sense to spend so much time and energy fighting for something that doesn't effect you," they tell me. But it DOES effect me.

I am a person with gay family members. I am a person with gay and trans friends. I am a person who has worked with questioning youth. I am a person who may sing her karaoke song following a bisexual person's number. I am a person who lives a community with neighbors who are lesbians. I am a person who resides in a state where same sex marriage is illegal. I am a person who grew up in a state where a person can be fired at any time for being LGBT. I am a person who is a citizen of a country where people are killed by first and secondhand bigotry. I am a person who is a human being, truly equal to anyone and everyone else, truly deserving of all of the same rights, no more, no fewer.

Does being a female who is gender and orientation normative alter my abilities to believe in equality? No. But it -does- make me able to be a voice to help others understand that this isn't "their" problem or "their" fight. It is mine. It is yours. It is ours.

So on 10/20/10 -and every single day- I support those in need of a shoulder and I stand with those who recognize that we are always stronger when we work together, that hate is never the answer, and that love will always win.

Current Mood: loving
Wednesday, July 7th, 2010
8:42 pm
OBC/Film RENT's Wilson Jermaine Heredia Returns to Stage

You’ll never guess what happened on the subway…!

Tales from the Tunnel highlights six actors playing nearly 100 characters in a series of humorous, heartbreaking, and insightful accounts of true New York City Subway experiences, woven together into an entertaining ride. Come see the show that brings your experiences traveling through the veins of NYC to life! It’s a trip you won’t forget.

Previews begin THIS SATURDAY!!!! Buy tickets online now at www.talesfromthetunnel.com - use the code FFWILSON

join the facebook group: http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/event.php?eid=131556920210273&index=1
Friday, June 25th, 2010
1:37 pm
Rent/Flawless/SVU Actor Wilson Jermaine Heredia Returns to Stage
Rent Tony Winner Wilson Jermaine Heredia Cast in New Comedy Tales from the Tunnel

(shown here with Tracy Thoms, Rosario Dawson, and Taye Diggs)

Tony Award winner Wilson Jermaine Heredia (Rent's original Angel) will be part of the cast of Tales from the Tunnel, a new comedy about true NYC subway experiences co-written and co-directed by Troy Diana and James Valletti.

Tales from the Tunnel, according to press notes, "tracks the hilarious, outrageous and over the top true experiences that happen to all of us on the subway. From wackos and hook-ups to culture differences and that sly pinch, Tales from the Tunnel is a funny ride that tells quintessential New York stories. Experience the 'did that just really happen?' situations that most New Yorkers Facebook about as soon as they get off the train – provided that they don't get stuck in the closing doors."

Performances are Saturdays at 4 PM and Sundays at 7 PM.

Tickets are $51.50 and can be purchased at Telecharge.com, by calling (212) 239-6200 or by calling the 45 Bleecker Box Office at (212) 260-8250. Visit www.talesfromthetunnel.com for more information.

source: http://www.playbill.com/news/article/140704-Rent-Tony-Winner-Wilson-Jermaine-Heredia-Cast-in-New-Comedy-Tales-from-the-Tunnel

Current Mood: ecstatic
Tuesday, June 8th, 2010
11:14 pm
What An Incredible Thing To Be Told
One of the kindest people I know (whom I met in the freshmen dorm many many moons ago) just said this to me, completely out of the blue:

you are an incredible person and you make everyone you come into contact with feel special and loved. It's unique to meet people like you in the world that we live in. I truly feel blessed to have you as a friend

Current Mood: grateful
Wednesday, May 19th, 2010
11:12 pm
A Thought or Two
As much as we see ourselves from the inside out, we have to realize that our vision is clouded with the words of others. Sometimes it takes someone from the outside who takes the time to look in to help us see both our own strength and our own light. They say it's tough to see the forest through the trees or that you can't tell the hurricane when you're in the eye of the storm, yet we as people find ourselves struggling so frequently to accept the positivity that others see in us, holding strong to the negative strings that have pulled and manipulated us over the years. Perhaps though, we can most free ourselves by not only accepting the goodness that others see in us but also by exceeding the expectations of those who see our potential.

I can't claim to be anything I'm not, but I know I'm a good judge of character. That said, how could I ever believe that yet disbelieve it when those I've chosen speak of me so positively? Even if I am accepting of the disservice I do myself when I ignore their kind words, am I comfortable with insulting them each time I deny their truth, their opinion, their belief of me?

Current Mood: thoughtful
Monday, April 5th, 2010
12:15 am
How do we know where the lines are in life?

Most children are initially taught in a very black and white way; either yes or no. Yes, you may cross the street holding a grown-up's hand, no you may not cross alone. No, you may not have a cookie, yes you may have some salad. No you may not hit someone, yes you should share your toys. Easy.

As middle and high school came, and even early college, most choices' grey areas were more based on either preference (do I wear the blue top or the green one?) or morals (do I cheat if my boyfriend won't catch me or do I remain faithful?).

And then the rest of the world stepped in.

Now the choices are about things like when is the right time to move in with your boyfriend? how far is too far away to live from loved ones?

Lately, I've been particularly interested in the line between wisely planning ahead/preparing for the next stage vs. living in the moment and letting whatever happens happen.

It's been said before that I'm not very good at lounging back and just enjoying what is, that I am too focused on asking, "what's next?" I suppose some of that comes from the desire to prepare myself for whatever good/bad is coming, but also in the recognition that success takes preparation, planning, and effort. While I believe that the Universe is trustworthy and that sometimes the lesson is in not having all of the answers and in not knowing what to expect, I also believe in setting goals and working to achieve them.

So where's the line? Where is the line when I should sit back, relax, and simply be grateful for what I have, letting the future hold what it will? Where is the line when sitting back gives others the opportunity to take what I want or worse, giving others the impression that I am less than motivated or serious about my goals? Where are the lines in relationships when you should appreciate what you have vs. when you should cut your losses? Where are the lines in the future between enjoying the short time you have in a location/school/university vs. preparing for the next location?

And perhaps more importantly, do we ever get to know where the lines are before we cross them?

Current Mood: uncertain
Sunday, March 21st, 2010
1:37 pm
Well What Do Ya Know... A Public Post!
So those of you in the know have apparently discovered that I've been writing a lot here lately and keeping it hidden, which is something very uncommon among the 10 years I've been writing here. I know that some of you have been following me for many (or even all) of the past decade, so please allow me to explain my secrecy so that you don't take it personally that there are now some things I'm not as open about.

My life for the past while has become increasingly filled with amazing people who happen to have public careers and, out of respect for them and for our privacy, I have been keeping more of my life private, though I don't want to not document my experiences. It's funny, really, that I have to do so, as I truly forget that others who don't know them might care or repeat some of the events or jokes or whatnot that goes on. For me, they're just people, people who get on my nerves, who make me laugh, who get pizza with me at crazy hours, who are far too far away when they go on tour, whom I love and cherish. But as I said, I know the way the internet works, hence the requirement of private posts.

Now that that's out of the way, I suppose I should update you all... though I fear sounding quite boring!

These days, I remain focused on the requirements of school; the reading, paper writing, test taking, interning, etc. that comes with the territory. I have a countdown of how many days until I am finished, though I try to live in the now rather than focusing only on the next stages of life.

I travel to NYC as often as possible, both because I miss the city and because there is a fellow there whom I am quite fond of. (Yes, the same one since August, for those who were wondering.) I suppose that's another reason to keep more writing private these days; after a decade with some of you (here and/or in real life), I think I'd bore you with the romantic posts and worry posts that come with the usual ups and downs of getting to know and care for someone.

Otherwise, I am working to begin job searching, considering what area in which I want to live when I finish school (I plan to return to NYC), and am trying to remind myself to enjoy the weather and experiences where I am while I am here.

So that's that... :)

Current Mood: melodic
Saturday, January 23rd, 2010
10:02 pm
A Public Entry, For A Change
Sorry to those of you who read here often, whomever you are... I know I haven't been writing posts that you've been able to see as often as I used to.

Mostly, the private posts have been about my getting acclimated to a new city, family, school, and lifestyle, about missing those I've parted from while I complete this degree, and about a boy I care deeply for.

I've spent a decade on this journal, literally 10 years, and it's been rare that I've hidden anything I've written from the eyes of anyone who cared enough to seek me out, to read my thoughts, and to remember them for more than a moment after navigating to another page. I've been a big believer in not hiding, and a realist in doubting there was anyone reading to hide from.

But in this case, especially with this boy, things are in a place where I can't yet spill my guts and allow him to fully understand how deeply I care for him. I hope someday they will be, but for now, the words and emotions go into the journal rather than into his ears. It is for that reason that I've been hiding posts; because those are words for him and because I believe that they are sacred between us, even if he doesn't yet know them. I hope you'll understand and forgive my apparent absence here.

As for other areas of life, I am re-acclimating to being a student and to the amount of work, stress, planning, and paper writing that requires. I am beginning to get more used to my surroundings here, and I am in the early stages of preparing to email my resume around to begin seeking work to begin in September. More than anything else though, I am continuously amazed and grateful to discover my friends' ability to continue to make themselves present in my life, to email or write or text or call or visit or send carrier pigeons or whatever else they're able to help me to not feel like I've left them behind when coming here to finish this degree and for that, I am so incredibly appreciative.

Current Mood: hopeful
Monday, January 11th, 2010
10:59 pm
Well it appears I'm over "the hump" of missing him... I haven't heard a word from him by text since 6am yesterday or by call since 4am yesterday, which means almost 48 hrs since anything from him. And I'm okay. I told Cara earlier that he's either really busy or is spooked and hiding, or perhaps some of both. Although I hate that he is still in a space where he can be spooked, I remember that he told me that it's about him trusting himself, not about him not believing he can trust me, so I'm not taking it personally as much as possible.

For now, I just continue with what I need to do and trust that he'll reappear when he's ready.

Current Mood: okay
Monday, October 19th, 2009
5:46 pm
Life Themes
spending today relaxing, regrouping, and allowing my mind to wander as it deals with its issues so I may be free to move on in the week without feeling rundown.

I'm thinking a lot about 2 quotes...

"just because someone didn't love you the way you needed doesn't mean they didn't love you the best they could."

"we accept the love we think we deserve."

maybe those have become my life themes or perhaps just lessons I keep revisiting as they aren't as well learned as the Universe believes they should be.

as often as so many could solve life's problems if they looked inside themselves and recognized they were causing the problem in the first place, perhaps some are too quick to look inside and take on too much blame for things beyond their control. I don't always know which side of that I'm on, but I do know that I'm always the one who tries, who fights for it, who takes the risks and walks away with a bruised ego and a broken heart. I also know though that I love that about myself. I love that I will always step up, will always put in the effort, will always battle to protect what is precious to me. I refuse to let life or anyone make me jaded or make me too afraid to try.

I hear them saying you'll never change things, and no matter what you do it's still the same thing
it's not the world that I am changing, I do this so this world will know that it will not change me.

Current Mood: determined
Wednesday, September 30th, 2009
1:24 am
Without You
So exhausted, but there is pressure within from words needing to come out, so here I am.

I went tonight to see Anthony's show, based on his autobiography, "Without You." (sidenote, I read this book when it first premiered and journaled on it then as it was really an excellent read and personally touched a nerve.)

The show was so moving and hearing him speak of loss and of being angry and grieving from those losses made it very tough to hold back tears... or rather to keep from openly weeping as I don't deny a few drops fell. Listening to him speak of the long loss of his mother to cancer made me both empathize with his feelings tied to losing a loved one and angry in the jealousy that he got that time to come to some semblance of terms and to say goodbye.

It's almost what should be Jason's 27th birthday. Almost what should be a day to celebrate, to send a card and a silly gift, to make a phone call. Almost another opportunity for me to gather with my family and honor the birth of someone who knew me before I knew myself. Almost.

Maybe it's just today, maybe it's due to the mixture of lacking sleep and in the performance seen, but I feel angry today. I don't get there very often these days, mostly I live in the land of acceptance with an occasional visit to sad, but today I feel the bitterness creep in. I want answers I can't have about why and why him, I want time I can't get to soak him in a while longer, and I want more memories I can't make of happy times shared. I feel so slighted sometimes, so ripped off by the Universe. I see the bigger picture and I recognize how many positive things have changed within me and within my life's path because of the impact of this loss, but sometimes I wish I could just trade it all to have what I never thought I'd lose so soon.
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